im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
