I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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