Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
