I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
