dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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