I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
