What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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