You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
