i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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