mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
