By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Found your dick twin last night
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
