I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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