i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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