they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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