I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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