That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
