When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Found the puke drawer
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
