please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
