I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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