1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
