my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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