I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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