If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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