Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Two words: nipple clamps
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