the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
