she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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