i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
