i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
