Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
