I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
