my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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