In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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