every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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