Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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