Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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