I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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