I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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