I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
