ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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