Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
So apparently I’m into choking now
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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