her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
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