I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I think my nap took me to another dimension
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
