Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
