omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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