i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
