Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
