Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I think I just sharted jello shots
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
