dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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