She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
