If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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